Working Mom Series: Frances

Meet Frances and her family:
Mila 👧, Wes 👶, Logan 👶, Nash 🐶 and Igor 👱

Frances is a founder of Chantilly Lace Events, an event planning and styling company in Toronto specializing in weddings. As an event planner, she’s on day and night, catering to her big family and clients who she loves a lot. When she found out she was pregnant with twins back in 2020, she knew she had to find a way to juggle her busy schedule on the go. Here, Frances talks about joys and frustrations of motherhood and entrepreneurship in her own words.

I want to say I have been in the event industry for 10 years now, although it feels like a year or two.

Not in terms of knowledge, but how fast my life’s gone by. When I think back I’m like “Oh my God, it’s been 10 years!” but it feels like yesterday.

My everyday schedule is always different because it depends on how many events I have coming up. I work about eight to nine hours a day, but it’s not in one sitting. It’s more about doing a little bit of everything every minute of the day. I was answering some texts as we did our photoshoot today and as we’re speaking right now I just got five emails. I have also blocked off four hours at night to work on an event design. So this is how my day is usually spread out. I also run some last minute errands on Thursdays and Fridays when it’s closer to the event to grab all the event details, like table decor.

Finding the time to do my work is actually the hardest part about being a working mom, because you want to spend time with your kids.

But the reality is my kids will be at home playing and I’ll be running around answering calls. My clients are aware that I have kids and that they’ll be screaming in the background if they call me during the day. But that’s life right?

I plan and style weddings which is a very important event in my clients’ life. I want my clients to feel like I’m with them all the time, which I am, and I’ll do everything for them. But I also want them to know that I have kids. That’s why my Instagram has a lot of my family.

On returning to work after giving birth:

With my first born, Mila, who is 3.5 years old now, it was a bit different because we were not in the pandemic. I remember I was in the hospital in labour and had a client call scheduled that day. I called the person and I was like: “Hey! I just want to let you know I'm in the hospital. I'm in labor. So if you want to reschedule, we can reschedule or I'm still happy to do the call.” It was right before my contractions started getting bad. So I did my call.

Once you give birth you’re on adrenaline the first few weeks and the newborns sleep all day. So I started working literally the second I got back home. I’m running my own business so I had no choice. My daughter came with me on all my meetings. I was working with another planner and she was doing a special on CTV. I brought Mila with me. I just put her in a carrier and got down to decorating the set for the segment.

With twins, though, it was different, because we were in a pandemic.

I really didn’t have anywhere to go. I had no clients. I had nothing. This is when I had postpartum depression. First, there was no sleep. Second, there was Mila who needed attention and then COVID. And it was just a disaster. One of the twins, Wes, was born underweight. I had to take him to see the doctor every two days for months until he gained proper weight. He was quiet all the time and wouldn't eat and the doctor was seriously concerned. I literally thought he was going to die.

When I gave birth, they also took Logan away because he could’t get his body heat. It was the scariest moment of my life. I was laying there and only had one baby. They took my other son away! I could hear nurses talking but I couldn’t understand. I asked them “Can you please tell me what’s happening?” and they answered: “We’re debating if he has to go to NICU or not”.

When we returned home, I didn’t have enough milk. Both boys wouldn't latch and I’d pump every two-three hours. That, plus bottle feeding, plus burping two babies, plus Mila. It was a lot.

On emotional and physical burn out - as a mother and a professional:

When the twins were 3 months I have now not slept for 3 months. Mila wasn’t in daycare because of the pandemic, and she was acting out. I was at home with three kids, healing from a C-section. Logan had the most sensitive stomach and was literally crying all day and all night. I couldn’t get them to nap. And I just remember sitting on a couch and crying: “If this what my life looks like, I don’t want to do this anymore.”

But there’s nothing you can really do. You’re not going to decide “I’m not going to be a mother anymore”. You still have to be a mother! So I just plowed through it until the boys got to the age when I could sleep train them.

I hired a sleep consultant and it saved my life. I did everything the book said, but I just could’t make them sleep because they were on a different pattern being a month premature. Hiring the consultant was the best decision I made. So that was my first burn out.

Later, when the boys were one year old and I was getting busier with work, I remember being on a Peloton and having a panic attack all of a sudden.

So I started a bit of therapy and it was very helpful. I believe for any new mom, or just any mom, it’s very important to do even a minimum of therapy. I started on an anti-anxiety medication which was also very helpful. I don’t think it should be a shameful thing. It helped me and it helped me be a better mom.

I always thought things have to be a certain way with kids, but it’s not like that. I think it’s the same way with work. There’s no time to burn out.

For example, I planned this bar mitzvah the other day. It was very difficult. It was one of the most difficult events I’ve ever planned. And now when the event’s adrenaline faded, I feel tired. But there’s no time to be tired. As a mom, you’re always on the next thing.

So one of the things I started doing is just taking 5 minutes for myself. I do something small just for me. It sounds ridiculous, but I put on perfume every morning. And that’s my '“me” thing. I want to smell pretty. It only takes 3 seconds. Another thing is making my bed. I know it’s going to get messy in five minutes but I still make my bed every morning. Also walks. Walks help. I think they really helped my anxiety.

My other trigger is questions. I tell my husband: “I have a daughter who is 3.5 years old and is literally in a “why” phase, asking me a million questions. I have my boys who need me all the time. And then my husband who is asking me where are the car keys? Where is my hat? You need to stop”. And he knows. There’s a point when everyone’s just shhhh… and I just sit and get my quiet time.

And at my job clients need me all day. It’s the feeling that everybody needs you at all points of time and you can’t just shut off. That’s what I find very hard.

On how life changes when going from one kid to three and “mom guilt”:

When you have one kid, your life continues as is, especially in the beginning. But I went from one to three. I don't even know what two look like. It was a big shift. And I didn't want my daughter, Mila, to feel that shift. So we were on her schedule.

We started updating our routine when the boys were around three-four months and they had to start sleeping at home. That's when things changed for her. We needed the boys to nap in their cribs, so we were stuck at home a lot. But you kind of just do it. You don't have a choice. With one kid, it's easy to be strict and diligent. But once you go up, you kind of just have to let go. I gave birth to the twins on a Tuesday via C-section. By Saturday the whole family was out at Mila’s soccer game, because I didn't want her to feel left out.

When it comes to work, it’s also easier with just one kid. With the twins, it’s a lot more logistically challenging.

I can't leave them with one person - I would have to organize two. I would have Igor and another person come. I also had a lot more of “mom guilt”. I have a lot of “mom guilt” with the twins generally. For example, they've been sick for a month, and they needed their mom, they wanted me to hug and hold and kiss them. But I have to work. I'm on calls all day. And I can't give them the attention that they need. I'm working and I feel bad. On top of that I'm trying to make dinner while working and they're screaming. So it's just juggling all of it which is hard sometimes.

Also because of COVID, we can't do a lot of things, so they don't get to experience that. I've left them a lot the last two weeks and I feel like a really bad mom. I hope I’m not. I try to spend an hour with them playing. But then I have to go get lunch, take Mila to gymnastics, and get dinner ready. By the time I get to breathe out, it’s already time for bed. So I've missed a big chunk of time with my boys. It makes me sad.

On how typical working mom day look like:

Mila wakes up at around 7:00 am. She brushes her teeth and I get her dressed. When the boys wake up, they come and join us. So we usually have a family teeth brushing session! After that we all come downstairs and all kids get smoothies for breakfast. I get Mila’s meal ready for daycare. In the meantime, the boys are just running around going crazy. I put on Mila’s hat, boots, everything, and Igor takes her to daycare.

Then I try to put clothes on the twins. Each of them typically poops twice, so that’s four diaper changes by 9 am. Then we go for a walk with Nash. After that we come home and they play. At this time, I’m running around cleaning up, answering emails and calls. Once they go for a nap, I take one hour for work and at least 30 minutes to exercise. Then my nanny comes at 1 pm and I get the dinner prepped. Once the boys wake up, I give them lunch and go get Mila while they’re playing at home. I give everyone dinner, a bath, and once everyone’s asleep I work till midnight.

Getting ready for a work event on the weekends is an event in itself.

I have to organize where the kids are going to go, how they're gonna do it, what they’re going to eat and so forth. So let's say it's a Saturday event. The kids have a program at 9 am. So I take the kids to the program, they come home at around 10:30 am. Mila has soccer. So typically I’ll organize and Igor will then take her to soccer. This way I have at least that hour an a half with the kids.

I pack their bags the night before if they’re going to see their grandparents. I try to have it all covered, just in case. So I pack a suitcase for them with snacks and food and all their stuff like their sleep sacks, everything. Have their lunch prepared. My mother in law will typically come right before I leave for the day. I'm very lucky that I have my in laws and my mother help when they can. Both of them work, so it's not like I can just call them up anytime I want. But I have their support. They help on Wednesdays and on weekends.

On the importance of being a good role model by being a working mom:

I love working. I love my job. And I love my career. I also feel like when you become a mom, you lose a lot of your identity. I'm no longer Frances, the event planner. I'm the mom. But after a while, you start feeling like you need to become a person again. Someone you used to be before you became a mom. For me, I was an event planner. A lot of my life is catering towards other people and their needs. And I always loved that. It makes me happy and I need to have that to be a happier mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to pieces. But being with babies every single day is hard. It's hard on your emotions. It's hard on your brain. You need something for yourself. And my work is kind of my outlet. It's nice to go out, to talk to people.

I also want my kids to know that if you want something in life, you work for it.

I want them to know that mommy works. Mommy's trying to do something for you guys, for your family and for herself. You don't rely on just one person to do everything for you. I want my boys to know that too. I don't want the boys to be grow up and be like: “I'm a man. I do everything and you just sit at home”. I want them to know that your partner in life needs to have their own identity too. And if they want something they need to work together.

It's funny because the other day I had a meeting and I was planning for Mila to come with me. I said to her: “I'm going to my meeting. Do you want to come with me?” And she responded: “I'm busy at work here”. She took her toy laptop, made a little desk, brought a clock with her, and pretended she was answering emails!

I know everyone says that but your moments with your kids are so short. It’s like: Snap! And they are different.

Be kind to yourself and don’t feel like you need to do everything. You need to prioritize your life. But don’t feel like when you prioritize you have to get it all done. My priority is to make sure my kids are happy, my clients are happy and I am happy. And if it means that I don’t put on makeup that day, I don’t put makeup on.

Another big thing is don’t go around comparing your life to others. All kids are different. Look, I have twins and one of them is walking and the other is crawling. They are different.

Just be nice to yourself. If you need to order takeout, do it. Hire meal planning services. Eat pasta everyday. Who cares?

Before having kids I had this mentality that I’m going to work, I’m going to take my kids to programs, make beautiful dinners and I will look good all the time. And here I am. It wasn’t a realistic thing. Be nice to yourself and you’ll get a hang of it. When I just had Mila, I was all about doing it by the book. I’d talk to my friends who have kids and say: “But this is not what the book says!” When the twins were born, all my rules went out the window. You just have to let it go. Like I gave them dinner while they were in a stroller. I won’t interrupt their play if we are having a really good time together because it’s bed time. You just have to let it go sometimes.

And be kind. If you’re going to be mean to yourself, a) your kids are going to feel it, and b) you just won’t be happy and you can’t parent if you’re not happy.